∞

Untitled.

Change isn’t always easy to accept. It’s hard when things constantly change, it’s hard when things suddenly change, and it’s hard when you don’t know what to expect, or what has or will happen. Change is either accepted and people live with it, or it is let go of and people move on.

You cannot continue chasing someone who wants nothing to do with you. You cannot continue wanting someone who does not want you. Technically, you can - but why bother? Of course, some say it’s worth it. Some of us don’t easily give up. Some of us swore we’d never give up. Some of us get tired of waiting around, some of us get tired of the fights, the bullshit, the stupid little things. Some of us promised we’d fight for each other, forever, but promises will get broken. Some of us change, and some of us change because of change. Some of us accept the change, some of us try to live with the change. In our case, we moved on. We couldn’t wait anymore. We had been holding on to something we lost, a little while ago. It was finally based on a mutual decision that we both let each other go. 

It’s not easy to hear the words, “I don’t love you anymore,” especially when you’ve been hearing the opposite constantly over a year, too many times everyday. It’s a hard situation. I understand, though. We’re not in love anymore. I don’t know when we fell out of love, but somewhere along the past month, we did. I still care about you, and I still love you, even though I’m not in love with you. You have been one of the most important people in my life over the past year, and you meant everything to me. You still kind of do. You will forever hold a special place in my heart, because you are my first love. It isn’t easy to push somebody like you out of my life, and I don’t want you out of my life. It isn’t easy to stop caring about someone who you once cared so much about. It’s a complicated situation for the both of us, but this trip kind of completed the closure we needed. I don’t know if we’ll forever stay separated and go on with our lives, I don’t know if we’ll get back together in the future. Soon or far. This summer or in ten years. I don’t know. But I am grateful to have experienced what “love” truly is/was, with you. I wouldn’t have wanted to experience it any other way. Maybe one day, we’ll experience it again with each other, or maybe not. Maybe this is a short break, maybe not, but I’m forever thankful I got to spend one of the best times of my life with you. Of course, we agreed on beach trips, hanging out, whatever. That obviously means there’s a chance we’ll get back together, because we cannot be around each other without having the feelings come back. Only time will tell, it’s always been like that. Right?

I’m still in Alabama because my flight was delayed, and you’re probably heading to Georgia, or soon will be. I love you, I always will, and you know I will always be here for you. Despite the hurtful things we have said to each other, despite all the hurtful things we’ve done to each other, I will still care. You were an amazing boyfriend, and you are the best for knowing me better than I know myself. This is goodbye, until whenever we see each other again. Stay safe, and make it back home safe in May.

MY WELCOME PERIOD LETTER

Dearest period,

I can’t wait for you to come and fuck me over tomorrow! At least that means I am not pregnant teehee ;) Gosh, I can’t wait to start my first day of work tomorrow and you’ll just unexpectedly wash your way down me. Gosh, I am so joyful that tears are running down my face, literally!! I already got your cramps and mood swings that my boyfriend has handled like a champ, so hurry up and get here already! Gosh, I have missed you so much since last month!!

Love,

Yours truly

Dear ______,

I’ve written you letters for every single day that we have been broken up. You haven’t gotten them, because I never sent them and I don’t plan to. My feelings are written out in them, and everything we did and talked about throughout those days are written out. These letters have all been saved on my drafts, and you’ll probably never see them. Today is day fourty-three. This is the last letter I’m writing, and this will be the only one you’ll ever see. 

I’ve lost great respect for you and you’re never going to gain it back. I cannot recall the amounts of tears I’ve cried for you, the amounts of time I’ve attempted to get you back, the amounts of time I begged you to talk to me when you got mad at me for little things and ignored me for days, and, most of all, the amounts of time I believed everything you said. I had always been more upset at the fact that you changed, rather than the fact that we weren’t together.

I never did anything to you to deserve to be treated like this. I was always there for you, I did the most I could to make you happy. You told me you were the happiest, for the almost-year that we were together for. I remember every single one of our talks. I kept my word, and tried my best to get you back like I said, and it didn’t work. I’m not sure, why I didn’t listen to everybody who told me to let go and try to move on, because I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I had thought about it, but of course, I didn’t want to let you go, and I didn’t want to move on. I thought that there was a chance of things getting better. Unfortunately, I was only one waiting around, the only one that was still trying to hold on. 

After our break up, you fed me excuses after excuses, making me feel even worse than I already did. You told me I wasn’t good enough, you told me your family hated me. Were these excuses just made up, just so you wouldn’t feel the guilt from sleeping with another girl and starting a whole new “relationship” with her, rarely two weeks after we were done? Don’t tell me you didn’t do anything during the time we were together. You hung out with her immediately after we broke up, you hit her up the second week of September. We weren’t over until the 28th. You still talked to me, fed me bullshit lies that you “didn’t want to fuck around with anybody else because you loved me and it’d hurt me”, that you “didn’t have anybody else because you only want me”, and that “there was no other girl, you were just tired of the fighting.” Apparently, you told her that she made you “fall in love” again.

The funny thing, is that you made me feel like complete shit for hanging out with guy friends. You made me feel as if I’d done the most terrible thing in the world, and everyday, I actually felt really bad. Because I didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t know how that made you so upset. Look who did the most, look who did the worst. You knew what you were doing. It wasn’t like you were drunk or high. You were sober for most of the time. You lied, thinking you’d be able to get away with all of it. All throughout September, October, and the beginning of November, you fucked me over. You were so insecure and worried about me fucking you over, when I never did anything wrong. Or were you worried, because you thought I was doing things only because you were? 

You probably saw my tweets, my posts, and got fed up with my questions. You asked about them, because you knew they were about you. I always had a bad feeling. I knew that there was something going on although I didn’t know exactly what. I could see every day that you were becoming like your little best friend. Look where his actions have gotten him. 

All you had to do was be honest with me. But you weren’t. You knew I was always going to be there for you, to come back to, to use as a back-up. That’s my own fault, because I was nothing but once a good girlfriend/friend to you. 

I don’t hate you, I don’t wish anything bad upon you. I don’t interest myself in revenge or any of that sort. I don’t get even, and with me choosing this path, I’m already better than you’ll ever be. I did love you, and I still do, but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t know how I could love someone who treated me like that. And with the way you’ve been recently talking to me? I’m done, I’m moving on. There is no more “me and you.” I don’t even know if there was a “me and you” to even start with. I don’t even know if you ever once meant a thing you said. I can forgive, but I can never forget. Never.

-Tina

Letter Six

Dear Dad,

There are so many things I have wanted to say to you, and tell you, as these past almost six years have gone by. I couldn’t, and I will never get to. But I know that wherever you are, you’re looking down at me, and you can read every single one of my thoughts. You can read my mind, and I don’t have to tell you anything, because you already know. 

There isn’t a single day that passes by where I wish I could have gone by to give you proper closure. I was young, I didn’t think it was going to happen, I didn’t think you were leaving forever. I wish I could have told you one last time, that I love you so much, and you were the best daddy anyone could have. There are so many memories I could never forget. Everything reminds me of you. Every Jackie Chan movie reminds me of you, and every time I flip through the channels and come across Tom & Jerry, I think of you.

As much as I love thinking about my future wedding, I hate thinking about how you won’t be there to walk me down the aisle, to give me away, to dance with for our father-daughter dance. Who’s suppose to do all that for me? I hate that my future husband won’t have to go through hell worrying about meeting you and what you would think of him. But… that’s what my three brothers are for, right? Either way, you know I’ll still take him to meet you. You always give me little signs to let me know that you approve or something that I do, and I hope you will do that later on too.

I know you want the best for me, and I know you would never want to see me hurt. You have always wanted the best for me. Lately, I’ve been going through some rough patches, and I want to thank you for helping me stay strong. Thank you for reminding me that there is so much more about life to be thankful and happy about. I hope I make you proud one day, just like how you made me proud. You never once showed pain when you went through the most rough stage in your life. You always kept a smile on your face. You told us all that everything was going to be better, even though we knew that there was a high chance it wouldn’t.

I wish you could be here to meet your first granddaughter, Angelina. She’s the cutest thing and I know you would have spoiled her like crazy. I’ll tell her all about you and how you would have been the greatest grandpa ever, when she’s old enough to understand. Please continue to watch over our family. Your six years is coming up on the 15th, and I still can’t believe that much time has gone by. I still miss you like crazy, and I can’t wait to be reunited with you again one day. I look forward to it more than anything. 

Love always and forever,

Your little princess<3 

Day 10 - Write a letter to your boyfriend.

Dear Chris aka boyfriend,

Right now, I’m in my bed all snuggled up with Otter, Spiketh, and stupid Hello Kitty. Tonight is the second night that I won’t be snuggling with you, and it’s getting extremely cold in my room. I won’t have you to steal the blanket away from me anymore. I find it funny that I brought my own pillow to the beach and you ended up sleeping on that shit for the seven nights we were there. Your bitchass went to sleep about two hours ago because you have to wake up all early and shit tomorrow for work, and your boss is probably going to ask you all about beach week and he’s probably going to tell you he’s surprised that you didn’t get arrested. I’m listening to a sappy love song right now as I’m writing this and I feel like I’m a dude with a vagina. Nevermind. I’m so happy you downloaded the Tumblr app onto your phone, so now you can read this at work tomorrow! And don’t forget to call Oakley at lunch to bitch them out on your cool phone. I really need to get a new phone with a front-facing camera because I’ve been taking nonstop pictures of myself on your camera and it’s beginning to get unhealthy. Just like how we baked 21 cookies last week… haha I miss you so much already. I miss our pillow talks in the early mornings, at random times during the day, and during the late nights. I miss our little arguments and make-up cuddle sessions when we were high as fuck, and I miss spraying you with sunscreen unevenly and watching you get weird sunburns. I know Mrs/Mr Otter misses Christina a whole lot and she wants another play-date. It’s so weird attempting to fall asleep without you annoying me and waking me up in the morning. It’s so weird to wake up in the middle of the night and try to steal the sheets back. It’s so weird to not go to sleep at 4 AM and wake up at noon. It’s so weird to text you and ask you “what’s up?” because I’m not used to not being with you every minute. I’m extremely happy that we’re going to college close to each other this fall because I’d hate it if you were far away from me. Thank you for going to church with me today and surprising me with Panera, and thank you for all the deep talks we have. You’re not only my boyfriend, but you’re one of my very best friends. I think it’s quite funny when we look back and talk about the awkward moments in the beginning of our relationship. I’m really tempted to call you and wake you up so I could just talk to you endlessly about nothing, I’m so not used to not talking to you around this time. I think beach week fucked with all of us so much, and we were right about how beach week is gonna make the rest of our summer seem dry as fuck. I’m getting a little sleepy now and my contacts are getting dry, so I guess I’ll go put on my contacts. Usually we’d be doing this at the same time and we both would be making fun of each other. ‘Cause you look like the kid from Stuart Little/The Little Vampire. I just realized this letter made me sound like a clingy bitch. But you know what I mean. I love you, and I hope you dream the sweetest dreams tonight.

Love,

Tina aka your girlfriend.