This is me letting go.

So the past week, I finally dropped off the remaining things to my ex which I figured he’d want back - his college hoodie, his favorite Ravens’ jersey, his family’s ring which he gave me before he left for college, and a beautiful necklace he gave me for Christmas. I didn’t bother giving anything else back, you know - the letters, numerous holiday cards, drawings, little items… he wouldn’t have room to put them anywhere and I wouldn’t want the things I gave him back either. No room for that, lol. 

Yesterday and today, I spent some time taking down all of our stuff from my room and placing them all in a box. From the movie ticket of our very first time that we went to see ‘The Town’ together to random tickets like to an Orioles’ game or the Monster Jam or my VIP pass from the Naked and Famous concert, or his baby picture, or this little candy Christmas tree from an Amish market he got me, or his wrestling pin or this really cool rock his aunt gave me, or his clothes, or random pictures, or this little golf tee on a string he made at work or this straw he made into a ring, or a now-dried up flower he picked for me from work, or his letters he sent me from college, I’d look around my room and realize I forgot something else. We gave each other and had so many things, it’s hard to gather it all. The only things I left up are my panoramic poster of Seattle, the star he named after me, the dead roses that look pretty cool dried up, my Beagle calendar, and the stuffed animals he gave me. Those, I will never put away. Why not the stuffed animals? I’m just a kid at heart still… I love them. 

I’m not bitter about the break up this time around. I’m happier, and I’m sure he is too. I think that throughout everything we had gone through the past two years, there was no way that anything could be the way it was from when we first fell in love. The expectations weren’t realistic. We didn’t want to lose each other because we were each others’ first loves and best friends. “Everybody wants their first love to be their last.” Every argument that we ever had wasn’t only his fault, which I’m sure Tumblr viewed it as because I would only talk about the things that hurt me. It was my fault just as well, I hurt him just as well. We kept persuading ourselves that things were better than they seemed, and for moment, things were much, much more amazing than they had seemed. But there was always a setback which took us back to the beginning again, and it wasn’t healthy. 

He was a huge, huge part of my life, and I would love to stay friends with him, but that just isn’t an option. I don’t think that is possible for us, regarding everything we had been through. But putting all the stuff away into a box and keeping it was a little hard, I’ll admit. Looking at them and remembering and feeling what I once felt, how we once felt, it was a little emotional. I’m keeping the box, and one day, I’ll show everything to my daughter and tell her yeah, relationships where boys do all the cute things, little and/or big, do exist. Sweet boys do exist. If a boy really cares about you, he’ll do all of this. He’ll bring you the biggest balloon he could find to school for Valentine’s Day for you, and you’ll carry it around almost killing everyone you pass. He’ll draw you pictures of your future house together, and of your favorite animals, and maybe he’ll name a star after her. He’ll go to Vietnamese church with your family, where he won’t understand a single thing they’ve said but he’ll do it to win your family’s heart. Most importantly, she’ll need to know that change and mistakes do exist and that there’s a reason for why things don’t work out. She’ll have a wonderful first love like I did, and she’ll have heartbreaks here and there. But it’ll help her grow, and mold her into a woman. She can fall as hard as she wants, but she’ll need to learn how to continue living and learning and growing after he leaves, if he leaves. 

I’m not bitter at all, and I am thankful for all that he’s done. He will always have a spot in my heart, and time to time I’ll always think about how he’s doing, how he’s been, how his family is. But this is me letting go, because I think I’ve found contentment, or well, I’m on my way to finding it, and I hope he does too. He deserves it. 

"You think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn’t want you anymore that he is right — that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, because the clouds let him; they don’t wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself."

Honesty Hour

I know there are certain things in this world that push certain people away. Sometimes, you gotta purposely push them away because it’s for the best. That way, nobody gets hurt, and everybody ends up being happy. It’s a good thing. Life is better off that way.

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Untitled.

Change isn’t always easy to accept. It’s hard when things constantly change, it’s hard when things suddenly change, and it’s hard when you don’t know what to expect, or what has or will happen. Change is either accepted and people live with it, or it is let go of and people move on.

You cannot continue chasing someone who wants nothing to do with you. You cannot continue wanting someone who does not want you. Technically, you can - but why bother? Of course, some say it’s worth it. Some of us don’t easily give up. Some of us swore we’d never give up. Some of us get tired of waiting around, some of us get tired of the fights, the bullshit, the stupid little things. Some of us promised we’d fight for each other, forever, but promises will get broken. Some of us change, and some of us change because of change. Some of us accept the change, some of us try to live with the change. In our case, we moved on. We couldn’t wait anymore. We had been holding on to something we lost, a little while ago. It was finally based on a mutual decision that we both let each other go. 

It’s not easy to hear the words, “I don’t love you anymore,” especially when you’ve been hearing the opposite constantly over a year, too many times everyday. It’s a hard situation. I understand, though. We’re not in love anymore. I don’t know when we fell out of love, but somewhere along the past month, we did. I still care about you, and I still love you, even though I’m not in love with you. You have been one of the most important people in my life over the past year, and you meant everything to me. You still kind of do. You will forever hold a special place in my heart, because you are my first love. It isn’t easy to push somebody like you out of my life, and I don’t want you out of my life. It isn’t easy to stop caring about someone who you once cared so much about. It’s a complicated situation for the both of us, but this trip kind of completed the closure we needed. I don’t know if we’ll forever stay separated and go on with our lives, I don’t know if we’ll get back together in the future. Soon or far. This summer or in ten years. I don’t know. But I am grateful to have experienced what “love” truly is/was, with you. I wouldn’t have wanted to experience it any other way. Maybe one day, we’ll experience it again with each other, or maybe not. Maybe this is a short break, maybe not, but I’m forever thankful I got to spend one of the best times of my life with you. Of course, we agreed on beach trips, hanging out, whatever. That obviously means there’s a chance we’ll get back together, because we cannot be around each other without having the feelings come back. Only time will tell, it’s always been like that. Right?

I’m still in Alabama because my flight was delayed, and you’re probably heading to Georgia, or soon will be. I love you, I always will, and you know I will always be here for you. Despite the hurtful things we have said to each other, despite all the hurtful things we’ve done to each other, I will still care. You were an amazing boyfriend, and you are the best for knowing me better than I know myself. This is goodbye, until whenever we see each other again. Stay safe, and make it back home safe in May.

It’s always been like that.

I’ve always told you. Since day one, since the weeks of September, since the morning of September 28th, maybe a couple of times after, and then now. No matter what happens, I will always be thankful for this journey with you. I will always love you and I will always be here for you. Our relationship is/was/will be an amazing experience. You will always have a part of me with you, and I’ll always have a part of you with me. No matter where we go in life, or end up, I’ll always remember you. As said in Strangers, Again, “I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, we’ll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time and I’ll be thankful for that, and I hope wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too and I think that’s the best we can wish for.” I don’t know if we weren’t meant to be together, considering we fight and make-up and fight and make-up and constantly question ourselves. We’ve said hurtful things to each other and have done hurtful things to each other. We’ll sometimes hold grudges and break promises. I also don’t know if we are meant to be together, considering we always end up making up and coming back to each other. Considering we forgive each other, because we love each other. Considering everything we have been through in over a year and how it’s always been ninety-nine percent good, one percent bad. Considering how happy we are when we’re actually with each other. I personally think, that no one else is a better fit for us than each other. We’ll have to wait and see what the future holds, but I love you and I always will. I’m seeing you in two days and I’m excited, because I haven’t seen you since the third of January. I don’t know if we will get back together, or if we won’t. I have no expectations. If we’re meant to be, then we’ll figure it out and everything will work out. And if we’re not, I’ll still care about you. We’ll both eventually go our own ways in life, and maybe we’ll run into each other and who knows what will happen, but I will forever be thankful we experienced this together. I love you, always and forever.

This irks me so, so much.

You’re a weakling if you can’t stand up for what you want, who you want, what you love and who you love. Why even bother? Another thing is - since when the fuck did “grown men” start worrying about other people’s businesses, or make jokes out of it when they don’t even know the entire situation? People grow and mature at a much slower rate now than they did before. I guarantee, that they don’t. Try being in someone else’s shoes and walkin’ a couple of miles in ‘em before you open your mouth. You do you, and I’ll do me. It’s my life, and it’s your life! Shit, if ya wanna do something, no one is stopping you! No one is controlling you, except for yourself. If you simply allow something or someone to control you, why the fuck are they getting shit for it? You’re the one allowing it, and then you’re the one going around talkin’ shit about it! Does that sound right? Probably not. 

And another thing people (including me) need to learn is who to trust, who you know you can trust, and who you can count on to stand up for you and to be there. Who wants you around for benefits, who wants you around when you’re convenient, and who wants you around because they genuinely do. Sucks when the person you counted on the most to be there is the one who probably will continue initiating shit or make everything seem much worse, huh? 

I’m sorry, but this is all like making a goddamn argument and not being able to support it, and then when people are against you, you’re gonna change sides. No, no. Don’t be a little weakling. Stick to ya shit.

Miss you so much. 

The shit us kids do at night….. hahahah I love Google Plus vidchat! Chris is a genius for making us all get this. 

My head hurts so fucking much. I just need a hug, or something comforting. I just needed you, because I knew I could always count on you. I know I can still. But I don’t know what happened. I can’t even talk to you now. I just need to know I’m loved. Be reminded I’m loved. Be reminded that you care about me. Know that you care about me. Know that you will care if something happens to me. Get talked to as if I’m appreciated. Get talked to as if I’m valued. Get talked to as if you’re afraid to lose me. I want to know that I’m wanted. I want to be respected. Most of all, I wish you would understand me. Or try to.

I just need a break.