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LATE NIGHT THOUGHT

Sometimes staying up late at night reminds me of my sleepovers with my oldest brother years ago back when he was in undergraduate school. He’d come home every other weekend from Catholic U and I’d have my little mattress I’d put in his room on the floor and he’d tell me stories and all that. The majority of them were ghost stories. It’d just be me and him and we’d stay up late telling stories and laughing. I miss them a lot and that was about ten or eleven years ago. Now he’s married and has a kid, about to have another one, and I’m in college attemptin’ to do my own thing. I miss my childhood a lot and I miss when my brothers treated me like true brothers would treat their little sisters. They’d make fun of me and tease me and do awful things to me. My brothers still do that sometimes, but we’re all grown up now and there’s less time for all of that. But I hope that one day, my kids will enjoy their childhood together as much as I enjoyed mine, and I thank my brothers for everything. They’re truly my heroes. They’re both in Vietnam right now and I haven’t talked to either of ‘em in over a week, but I do miss them. I love you guys.

Untitled.

Change isn’t always easy to accept. It’s hard when things constantly change, it’s hard when things suddenly change, and it’s hard when you don’t know what to expect, or what has or will happen. Change is either accepted and people live with it, or it is let go of and people move on.

You cannot continue chasing someone who wants nothing to do with you. You cannot continue wanting someone who does not want you. Technically, you can - but why bother? Of course, some say it’s worth it. Some of us don’t easily give up. Some of us swore we’d never give up. Some of us get tired of waiting around, some of us get tired of the fights, the bullshit, the stupid little things. Some of us promised we’d fight for each other, forever, but promises will get broken. Some of us change, and some of us change because of change. Some of us accept the change, some of us try to live with the change. In our case, we moved on. We couldn’t wait anymore. We had been holding on to something we lost, a little while ago. It was finally based on a mutual decision that we both let each other go. 

It’s not easy to hear the words, “I don’t love you anymore,” especially when you’ve been hearing the opposite constantly over a year, too many times everyday. It’s a hard situation. I understand, though. We’re not in love anymore. I don’t know when we fell out of love, but somewhere along the past month, we did. I still care about you, and I still love you, even though I’m not in love with you. You have been one of the most important people in my life over the past year, and you meant everything to me. You still kind of do. You will forever hold a special place in my heart, because you are my first love. It isn’t easy to push somebody like you out of my life, and I don’t want you out of my life. It isn’t easy to stop caring about someone who you once cared so much about. It’s a complicated situation for the both of us, but this trip kind of completed the closure we needed. I don’t know if we’ll forever stay separated and go on with our lives, I don’t know if we’ll get back together in the future. Soon or far. This summer or in ten years. I don’t know. But I am grateful to have experienced what “love” truly is/was, with you. I wouldn’t have wanted to experience it any other way. Maybe one day, we’ll experience it again with each other, or maybe not. Maybe this is a short break, maybe not, but I’m forever thankful I got to spend one of the best times of my life with you. Of course, we agreed on beach trips, hanging out, whatever. That obviously means there’s a chance we’ll get back together, because we cannot be around each other without having the feelings come back. Only time will tell, it’s always been like that. Right?

I’m still in Alabama because my flight was delayed, and you’re probably heading to Georgia, or soon will be. I love you, I always will, and you know I will always be here for you. Despite the hurtful things we have said to each other, despite all the hurtful things we’ve done to each other, I will still care. You were an amazing boyfriend, and you are the best for knowing me better than I know myself. This is goodbye, until whenever we see each other again. Stay safe, and make it back home safe in May.

Looking back at…

my old photobucket accounts and pictures and there are seriously some funny ass pictures in there. But then I go to the photoalbums labeled “Me ~” or some bullshit like that and I was such a little self-absorbed camera whore. Holy shit. But I was kinda cute… teehee. 

A few things I’m actually gonna miss about high school…

• Acting like an idiot in the hallways.
• Laughing at idiots in the hallways.
• Dr. Newman’s lectures on life.
• Getting kicked out of classes I don’t belong in.
• Not having a desk in Mr. Timm’s class, therefore for the whole semester I had to sit on the couch or wait for someone to be absent so I could take their desk.
• Hiding out in the yearbook office to skip class.
• Lunch time was story-telling/gossip time.
• Ms. Jordan’s class.
• Charging my phone everywhere I could.
• Going to football games, basketball games, etc.
• Being on the attendance lady’s chronic tardy list.
• Telling substitute teachers that I was an aide so I could sit in some random classroom.

But I’m really fucking happy I’m out of there.

Reliving for just a second.

I went through my previous posts, read through almost all of them, and I can still feel every emotion I felt when I poured my heart out to those entries like it was just yesterday. I also went through all of my pictures with family and friends. I couldn’t help but feel a whirlwind of emotions.

I was quite overwhelmed with how much change I saw in my life from then to now. Some were good and some were bad. I may not like some of them, but I’m holding on. I’m ultimately blessed and I can’t ask for more with what I have. I’ve lost some, but with every loss there is a gain. I’ve gained strength, confidence, and security. I can’t ever question why things happen, but only to react to them with positivity because I know that I can handle it. There’s always light even in the darkest places. I will never regret the times I’ve spent with the people that once made me smile. I loved them then and I’ll treasure the moments I’ve shared for a lifetime. People change and that’s out of my control. But I can’t deny that I have changed as well. And I’m proud.

People you know of eventually become your acquaintances, who then become your friends for a while, who then just become people you once knew… I have lost and gained so many friends and some of my old best friends no longer keep in touch - but I suppose it’s no one’s fault. We grow up and grow apart - it’s such a sad thing when people don’t really acknowledge their presence anymore.  I can’t complain about having a lack of friends because let’s face it, everyone eventually goes their own way and maybe once in a blue moon some kind of event will bring everyone together again and just for that one night, it may seem like nothing has changed, but in all reality, the following morning it’s just going to be another memory.