Reflection

I had a really good winter break even though it ended last week, due to taking Economics as a winter class. I sacrificed hanging out with my friends, a couple of trips to the slopes with my family, and a couple of concerts but I needed to put my education ahead of all of that. I’ll work hard now, and play later. But I think this winter break really started and ended well, so I am thankful for that and everyone in my life and every moment of it. 

#731

Today, I spent half of my afternoon at Starbucks waiting for the boys I babysit to get out of their Tae Kwon Do class. I met somebody that renewed my mind, and after talking with him, he got me back to doing what I used to love to do.

I also spent a good amount of time staring outside the damn window there, just waiting for snowflakes to fall. It seemed too perfect - people were in scarves, boots, even peacoats, and Starbucks was crowded with customers ordering the seasonal drinks. The weather was cold enough to shrink any guy’s balls for a month or two, and the music that was playing couldn’t have fit the atmosphere any better.

I think I had a really good day today. 

Reflection

I am officially done with my freshmen year of college. Summer has started and it’s been wonderful - I turn 19 in exactly a week and I’m going to Timpano’s with all of my loved ones. This is my first birthday dinner since my 17th. I’m seeing Maroon 5 & Wiz Khalifa this weekend at Infield Fest, and this Sunday one of my friends is throwing a potluck/BBQ. My family’s great, my sister-in-law is pregnant once again, my niece is getting cuter by the second. I’m on good terms with my ex, and I’ve made so many new friends over Spring and I’ve gotten close to many new people. My dad’s high school friends throw reunions every several years in different cities, and the last reunion I went to was in the summer of fifth grade. This year, they’re going to New Orleans and we will actually be participating in the festivities, so I’ll be venturing the city in July! I cannot wait to get free beads lolz just kidding… but I’ve heard it’s a beautiful city and I’m excited to get out of Maryland. Life is great, I don’t see anything worth complaining about. I am blessed, and I am so thankful.

Reflection #40

Happy April ya’ll. Woke up, went to meet the family I was going to start babysitting for at noon. Sweet, sweet family. I start babysitting next week, six hours a week. I get paid pretty damn well. Had work at Panera from two until six, it was enjoyable but fucking Kony was supervising us. Skyped with my ex boyfriend for a few hours, first time since forever. Planned summer trips with friends and whatever. It was nice. We’re friends, we’re civilized human beings. He’s still a good funny guy. Hittin’ up CPK with one of my best guy friends tomorrow. Life’s good.

Pze tha fack out.

Did some decent summatime shopping today.

Actually just kidding, my main point of going shopping today was to find an outfit for Sweetlife Fest… but F21 had too many cute things. I overloaded on lace shit and skirts. So ready for it to be warm out again.

I do miss being yours and only yours.

I’m sure you wouldn’t want it any other way, too. 

Untitled.

Change isn’t always easy to accept. It’s hard when things constantly change, it’s hard when things suddenly change, and it’s hard when you don’t know what to expect, or what has or will happen. Change is either accepted and people live with it, or it is let go of and people move on.

You cannot continue chasing someone who wants nothing to do with you. You cannot continue wanting someone who does not want you. Technically, you can - but why bother? Of course, some say it’s worth it. Some of us don’t easily give up. Some of us swore we’d never give up. Some of us get tired of waiting around, some of us get tired of the fights, the bullshit, the stupid little things. Some of us promised we’d fight for each other, forever, but promises will get broken. Some of us change, and some of us change because of change. Some of us accept the change, some of us try to live with the change. In our case, we moved on. We couldn’t wait anymore. We had been holding on to something we lost, a little while ago. It was finally based on a mutual decision that we both let each other go. 

It’s not easy to hear the words, “I don’t love you anymore,” especially when you’ve been hearing the opposite constantly over a year, too many times everyday. It’s a hard situation. I understand, though. We’re not in love anymore. I don’t know when we fell out of love, but somewhere along the past month, we did. I still care about you, and I still love you, even though I’m not in love with you. You have been one of the most important people in my life over the past year, and you meant everything to me. You still kind of do. You will forever hold a special place in my heart, because you are my first love. It isn’t easy to push somebody like you out of my life, and I don’t want you out of my life. It isn’t easy to stop caring about someone who you once cared so much about. It’s a complicated situation for the both of us, but this trip kind of completed the closure we needed. I don’t know if we’ll forever stay separated and go on with our lives, I don’t know if we’ll get back together in the future. Soon or far. This summer or in ten years. I don’t know. But I am grateful to have experienced what “love” truly is/was, with you. I wouldn’t have wanted to experience it any other way. Maybe one day, we’ll experience it again with each other, or maybe not. Maybe this is a short break, maybe not, but I’m forever thankful I got to spend one of the best times of my life with you. Of course, we agreed on beach trips, hanging out, whatever. That obviously means there’s a chance we’ll get back together, because we cannot be around each other without having the feelings come back. Only time will tell, it’s always been like that. Right?

I’m still in Alabama because my flight was delayed, and you’re probably heading to Georgia, or soon will be. I love you, I always will, and you know I will always be here for you. Despite the hurtful things we have said to each other, despite all the hurtful things we’ve done to each other, I will still care. You were an amazing boyfriend, and you are the best for knowing me better than I know myself. This is goodbye, until whenever we see each other again. Stay safe, and make it back home safe in May.

It’s always been like that.

I’ve always told you. Since day one, since the weeks of September, since the morning of September 28th, maybe a couple of times after, and then now. No matter what happens, I will always be thankful for this journey with you. I will always love you and I will always be here for you. Our relationship is/was/will be an amazing experience. You will always have a part of me with you, and I’ll always have a part of you with me. No matter where we go in life, or end up, I’ll always remember you. As said in Strangers, Again, “I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, we’ll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time and I’ll be thankful for that, and I hope wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too and I think that’s the best we can wish for.” I don’t know if we weren’t meant to be together, considering we fight and make-up and fight and make-up and constantly question ourselves. We’ve said hurtful things to each other and have done hurtful things to each other. We’ll sometimes hold grudges and break promises. I also don’t know if we are meant to be together, considering we always end up making up and coming back to each other. Considering we forgive each other, because we love each other. Considering everything we have been through in over a year and how it’s always been ninety-nine percent good, one percent bad. Considering how happy we are when we’re actually with each other. I personally think, that no one else is a better fit for us than each other. We’ll have to wait and see what the future holds, but I love you and I always will. I’m seeing you in two days and I’m excited, because I haven’t seen you since the third of January. I don’t know if we will get back together, or if we won’t. I have no expectations. If we’re meant to be, then we’ll figure it out and everything will work out. And if we’re not, I’ll still care about you. We’ll both eventually go our own ways in life, and maybe we’ll run into each other and who knows what will happen, but I will forever be thankful we experienced this together. I love you, always and forever.

I’ve been watching a lot of TV.

The past month, I’ve experienced a Dair. Several Dairs. I’ve been in Callie/Arizona’s position, Lexie/Mark’s position. Meredith/Derek’s position. All the exact same situations. It’s weird. Watching too much TV can do this to you. 

Even though it’s all fictional and I know that if I can relate, there are others that can too. I’m not the only one in the world that’s going through this. It’s nice to know that there are others out there and I’m not alone.