I do miss being yours and only yours.

I’m sure you wouldn’t want it any other way, too. 

Untitled.

Change isn’t always easy to accept. It’s hard when things constantly change, it’s hard when things suddenly change, and it’s hard when you don’t know what to expect, or what has or will happen. Change is either accepted and people live with it, or it is let go of and people move on.

You cannot continue chasing someone who wants nothing to do with you. You cannot continue wanting someone who does not want you. Technically, you can - but why bother? Of course, some say it’s worth it. Some of us don’t easily give up. Some of us swore we’d never give up. Some of us get tired of waiting around, some of us get tired of the fights, the bullshit, the stupid little things. Some of us promised we’d fight for each other, forever, but promises will get broken. Some of us change, and some of us change because of change. Some of us accept the change, some of us try to live with the change. In our case, we moved on. We couldn’t wait anymore. We had been holding on to something we lost, a little while ago. It was finally based on a mutual decision that we both let each other go. 

It’s not easy to hear the words, “I don’t love you anymore,” especially when you’ve been hearing the opposite constantly over a year, too many times everyday. It’s a hard situation. I understand, though. We’re not in love anymore. I don’t know when we fell out of love, but somewhere along the past month, we did. I still care about you, and I still love you, even though I’m not in love with you. You have been one of the most important people in my life over the past year, and you meant everything to me. You still kind of do. You will forever hold a special place in my heart, because you are my first love. It isn’t easy to push somebody like you out of my life, and I don’t want you out of my life. It isn’t easy to stop caring about someone who you once cared so much about. It’s a complicated situation for the both of us, but this trip kind of completed the closure we needed. I don’t know if we’ll forever stay separated and go on with our lives, I don’t know if we’ll get back together in the future. Soon or far. This summer or in ten years. I don’t know. But I am grateful to have experienced what “love” truly is/was, with you. I wouldn’t have wanted to experience it any other way. Maybe one day, we’ll experience it again with each other, or maybe not. Maybe this is a short break, maybe not, but I’m forever thankful I got to spend one of the best times of my life with you. Of course, we agreed on beach trips, hanging out, whatever. That obviously means there’s a chance we’ll get back together, because we cannot be around each other without having the feelings come back. Only time will tell, it’s always been like that. Right?

I’m still in Alabama because my flight was delayed, and you’re probably heading to Georgia, or soon will be. I love you, I always will, and you know I will always be here for you. Despite the hurtful things we have said to each other, despite all the hurtful things we’ve done to each other, I will still care. You were an amazing boyfriend, and you are the best for knowing me better than I know myself. This is goodbye, until whenever we see each other again. Stay safe, and make it back home safe in May.

It’s always been like that.

I’ve always told you. Since day one, since the weeks of September, since the morning of September 28th, maybe a couple of times after, and then now. No matter what happens, I will always be thankful for this journey with you. I will always love you and I will always be here for you. Our relationship is/was/will be an amazing experience. You will always have a part of me with you, and I’ll always have a part of you with me. No matter where we go in life, or end up, I’ll always remember you. As said in Strangers, Again, “I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, we’ll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time and I’ll be thankful for that, and I hope wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too and I think that’s the best we can wish for.” I don’t know if we weren’t meant to be together, considering we fight and make-up and fight and make-up and constantly question ourselves. We’ve said hurtful things to each other and have done hurtful things to each other. We’ll sometimes hold grudges and break promises. I also don’t know if we are meant to be together, considering we always end up making up and coming back to each other. Considering we forgive each other, because we love each other. Considering everything we have been through in over a year and how it’s always been ninety-nine percent good, one percent bad. Considering how happy we are when we’re actually with each other. I personally think, that no one else is a better fit for us than each other. We’ll have to wait and see what the future holds, but I love you and I always will. I’m seeing you in two days and I’m excited, because I haven’t seen you since the third of January. I don’t know if we will get back together, or if we won’t. I have no expectations. If we’re meant to be, then we’ll figure it out and everything will work out. And if we’re not, I’ll still care about you. We’ll both eventually go our own ways in life, and maybe we’ll run into each other and who knows what will happen, but I will forever be thankful we experienced this together. I love you, always and forever.

Reflection

I’m done living in the past. I’m done wondering and questioning about the past. I’m trying to be done with thinking about the past and letting it affect me now. I am done with letting the past control me. Why didn’t I leave you in the past? Because I couldn’t. I love you, I have faith in you, in us, and the past was the past. I’m so happy we’ve been able to move on, and we’ll keep it that way. We have happier and much more amazing things coming our way in the future. I’m happy with life right now, I’m happy with us right now. I can only continue to be happy if I continue to look forward, not backwards. There’s no point in letting it affect me anymore. What’s done is done, and there’s going to be better things for me, you, us. 

This was when I skyped Chris one of the nights that he was packing, before he left. He’s with the bear I got him, aka Christina! Excuse my shitty looking self. I miss him soooo much. :( 

I would love to be a little bit more carefree about this whole thing. Trust me, I would fucking love more than anything to not worry as much as I do. Care a little less than than I do. I don’t want to not care at all - that isn’t possible, because I do care about you and I do love you. Do you actually think I like being this paranoid, having shitty thoughts all the time? I want to trust you, I do. But it’ll take time, and you out of all people should know and understand that. If something seems off, of course I’m going to question you. But all of this paranoia and questioning isn’t because of me. It was because of you. You turned me into a paranoid bitch. I don’t want to be like this, trust me. You think I enjoy worrying all the time? You think I’d pick sitting around worrying about you over being happy with my life here? No. Of course not. Think again. I am like this because of your mistakes. And I just need you to understand, like you said you would during those two weeks. And I know you’re trying, and thank you. But I don’t enjoy worrying. I really don’t. And I’d do anything to really be able to trust you again.